What Do You Do When You Acheive All Of Your Goals?

It has been awhile since I have posted.  I have been so focused on my family and building my business, that I have let my meanderings of my mind sit by the wayside.  

I still spend much of my time doing the same things.  Now that I’m in my 3rd trimester, I don’t spend nearly as much time running. I do look forward to returning to trail running after the 4th trimester is complete!  I so desperately want to do a half marathon and a triathlon.  

To be completely honest, I’m deeply happy.  I’m so grateful with my life right now, that I don’t know that there is anything I would want to change.  I have finally hit a point of flow, synergy, and just love.  I’m grateful each day I get to wake up next to my husband and have the opportunity to be with my children.  I’m so excited to meet our precious new baby.  

I’m content.  I’m at peace.  I appreciate every moment I am given.  

I get to take my son on adventures to the local nature centers.  We spend time hiking trails in the woods.  My husband and I lay in bed and cuddle at night, filled with laughter and love.  He looks at me with awe and wonder as my body changes to support our growing child.  I look at him with complete gratitude for who I have pledged the remainder of my life to.  

We are in great physical health.  We are emotionally stable.  We are financially stable, but still working on building our assets and wealth to give more to others.  I want to let my light help others ignite their own.  

I am in awe at how far we have grown and changed in just a year.  I mean, many of you read my blog last year, and it was just disastrous. It felt that way at the time anyway.  It was all just blessings working very hard to manifest in our lives. God works in mysterious ways, right?  I never envisioned this as our future a year ago.  I couldn’t have believed it was possible at the time.  

So, I think I have finally hit that stage where I am ready to expand my circle of influence.  I have been tremendously blessed, and I want to share these blessings with others.  

If you had everything you wanted in life, what would you do? 

Welcome Goals of 2017

I don’t know about you, but I am more than ready to welcome 2017.  

One of my goals for 2017 is to match my income that I made as a therapist while working from home.  I didn’t make a lot, but I made enough to really help my family out. 

I recently hosted a web based goal setting class.  I am working through the steps that I also guided others through.  

It has been a very meaningful practice.  

Some of the questions I asked included:

• What will make this year the most epic yet?
• How badly do you want “IT?”

Having more financial freedom while prioritizing my family will make this year the most epic yet.  With another precious baby on the way, we are going to have to really reprioritize our budget.  I would love to increase the income we have available to us.  

I am working on expanding my business through life coaching, private kundalini yoga sessions, and essential oils.  They are all linked to improving quality of life through mind, body, and spirit balance.  

My “IT” at this time in my life means financial freedom to live the lifestyle my family desires.  

I will have the deepest sense of satisfaction of living the life I dreamed for myself and my children. I will have created a model of embracing and loving others just as deeply as I embrace and love myself. I will spread my love for all of humanity to every corner that it can reach.

I want this as badly as I want to breathe.  

Here is to 2017!

My Heart and Soul in March

“I feel like my entire life is a massive journey, stepping outside of my comfort zone continuously.  I pray that each step I take is in the right direction.”

On March 11, 2016, I began journaling every day.  It has truly helped me get through the difficult experiences I have had this year.  It is also a great exercise in finding the positive in my life as well as setting my intentions.  

“I am in so in love with my family.  They are so incredibly amazing and fill me with so much endless love and light.  They mean the world to me.”

I don’t get attached to much, but my journal is definitely something I have grown attached to.  As a way to help me release it, and the past that has been recorded within it, I am going to share the highlights here.  

“I love the people that are solid in their faith, body, and mind.  They are so balanced and like magnets.  This is what I strive for.”

These are excerpts from March.  This is the month before my life did a complete 180, which I have described in the last several blog posts.  I think reviewing this will be a great exercise in releasing the past to move forward into the future.

“My children motivate me in such a big way.  I want to be their solid rock, to leave and return to as they need.  I want to give them, not only the best of my world, but a better world than the one I have existed in.”

“I have continued to grow with each and every struggle that I have encountered.  I have immense gratitude for all of my experiences that I have encountered up to this point.”

A lot of these are personal pep talks.  I don’t have someone in my life to provide this for me, so I will often do this for myself. 

“You hold within you great gifts to give to this world.  You have very important work to do and the capacity to make it happen.  Your love for humanity is infinite and that includes your love for self too.”

“Continuing to take steps towards my personal growth and stepping into my purpose excites me about the possibility of a new day, every day.”

“A peaceful family state gives me momentum.  When my family is in discord I feel very stagnant and drained.  When my family is peaceful and happy, I move at a rapid pace.”

“I will have an immensely compassionate heart.  I will have found a balanced space from which to project myself forward.  My marriage will be solid with our gifts maximized and building.  Our children will be stabilized.  We will have found equilibrium as a soul family.”

This was my daily prayer in March.  Looking back from October, we have achieved this and more.  Getting here wasn’t easy and it was often frightening, but I am amazed at the blessings that have come since I wrote these words.  

“I live each day to the fullest by finding my flow and staying within it.  I am working on my spirituality so that I can fully embrace life and live as I am intended.  I am creating balance with my family as a top priority.”

Again, most of my prayers and focus in March was around creating a shift in my family, primarily in my marriage.  I wanted my husband and I to be able to work together to manage our family instead of being so focused on our independent roles.

“I want to share my heart, love, and compassion with the world.”

“My children make me smile.  Miss Honey makes me smile.  Food makes me smile.  Hiking makes me smile.  Running on trails makes me smile.  Yoga makes me smile.  I make me smile.  Leif’s schools make me smile.  Friends make me smile.  Meditation and prayer makes me smile.  Church makes me smile.  Flowers make me smile.  Animals make me smile.  Books make me smile.  Loving kindness makes me smile.”

“I am loving yoga nidra meditation.  I enjoy running and most forms of exercise.  I have a special place in my heart for kundalini yoga.  I want to become certified, but am allowing the universe to guide my path.  I really enjoy attending church.  I also enjoy NVC meetings.  I love dry brushing and detox baths.  I enjoy reading my spirituality books.  Prayer is very helpful to me.  I love hiking.  There are so many tools that I use to relax and rejuvenate.  I love and appreciate every one of them.”

I wrote this on March 28, 2016.  I was admitted into the kundalini yoga certification without payment in September.  I feel very blessed after reading this.  My first weekend of training begins this Friday.  

“My definition of success and happiness is creating both abundance and balance.  This is very important for me to achieve in this life because I feel like it is my last really big blocked space for me to overcome.  My family has always had some level of impoverishment, so tapping into that abundant space that I have fostered will feel really empowering to me.  Achieving abundance while maintaining my personal well being, authenticity, and balance will also be empowering because of the childhood scripts I received that stated this is impossible.  I believe that it is both possible and achievable with all of my heart and soul.  I will be abundant and balanced while doing soulful work.“

“It is true that the simplest and most important things in life are free.  My husband makes me feel alive.  My children make me feel alive.  My parents and brother make me feel alive.  My friends make me feel alive.  My mind makes me feel alive.  My body makes me feel alive.  My soul makes me feel alive.  Food, sex, meditation makes me feel alive.  I love the life that I have been given with all of my heart and soul.  I am so grateful to be right where I am right now.  I am exactly where I need to be.“

My Weekend of Rest and Reflection Turned Into a Weekend of Family and Gratitude

Weary and consumed by longing, I was caressed by my beloved last night.  My wounded soul was set free, when I tasted the sweetness of love.

My spirit was lifted at once.  I surrendered my life, while overflowing with joy, and my vision was filled with light. 

Love said, “Don’t feel so hopeless, my weary and gloomy one, for my generosity is beyond forgetting those devoted to me.”

See how boundless divine justice can be.  Behold my immeasurable kindness!  

Love embraced my spirit, and all my doubts vanished at once.  A new and glorious robe of honor was placed on my shoulders.

Love offered me the power of new vision and the transforming touch of divine generosity and placed the chalice of eternal wine in my hand.

•RUMI•

My mother was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder when I was 7.  I didn’t have a good understanding of what that meant at the time.  It meant very little to me.  I still didn’t understand that the world could be different than my own personal perspective, which was governed by emotional chaos.  

My mother was overwhelmingly loving.  There were days where we would spend hours decorating for holidays.  Halloween was one of my favorites.  We would decorate our trees, yard, and house.  My dad owned his own business and we attended the church down the road from us.  My family had lived there for a few generations so we were well known in the community.  We would get endless visitors to our home.  

She lived to serve others.  She thrived on bringing joy and light to children, families, and women.  She instilled this deep sense of giving into us early.  Not only would she give all of this to her own children, but she would also give it to the children in the community, schools, churches, etc.  

There were days that seemed like there could be no end to her generosity or her love.  She had a deep faith in God, and her light shone even in our most difficult of times. 

I loved this part of my mother with all of my being.  Oh, how I longed for her endless devotion in these moments.  It was consolation to my deeply wounded heart. 

Just as radiant and giving as she was, she also harbored a dark side that so many failed to see.  I expect my father, brother, and myself witnessed the most destructive aspects of this version of her.  It mostly stayed hidden within the walls of my childhood home, and it was unspeakably frightening.  Just as endearing and safe as she made us feel, at any given moment this could be ripped from our lives and replaced with an entirely different person.  

This person despised the world and all of those within it, especially her husband and children for we could never meet her unspoken expectations.  No one could.  They were entirely irrational and fear inducing.  I would escape deep into the woods of our home, often traveling so far from human contact that I don’t know that anyone could have heard me had I screamed.  

We had a beautiful creek in a deep valley behind our home that emptied into the lake.  There was a deep pool in the creek with an overhang and a nice tree.  It was hidden by other overhangs, so that you would have to either travel the creek bed or climb the tree to see it.  This was my safe place.  

There were many days that I would fall asleep on a bed of moss here only to awake to my dad yelling for me as the sun crept behind the trees.  I would run to my dad.  He would hold my hand and we would walk silently up the hill back to our home.  He would make dinner for my brother and I, and none of us would speak of the darkness permeating our home.  We would secretly pray that some light would find its way into our home again in the coming dawn. 

I spent my days in a constant strife of never feeling fully safe in my home.  She went on medication, but didn’t really know how to navigate a system that confused her and didn’t see her fully.  They lacked the insight to see her radiance, love, and light.  They focused so much on her shortcomings.  This happened because x, y, z.  She was thrown into a scientific world of logic when she existed in an ever changing wavering of emotion.  She tried with all of her might to fight a battle that she didn’t understand.  

In addition to this, she also expressed her trauma in physical illness.  She had her gallbladder removed.  She had chronic pancreatitis that would also align with her bouts of darkness.  Looking at this from the spiritual perspective, with my mental health background, these all align on a deep level.  Her solar plexus was impacted from her perception of her external world, which manifested itself physically in her body.  

However, how do you explain this to someone?  How do you explain years of research, theory, and intuition to a loved one?  I have no idea, but it doesn’t stop me from trying.  Logic doesn’t always work, but I can count on love to find a way.

When I was in middle school, her symptoms were being managed by an overwhelming amount of medications, that only seemed to deepen the issue.  Further and further we continued to travel down this rabbit hole in which the entire power of our family was being held in the hands of a system that didn’t see us as human.  At least not fully so.  

She was finally prescribed pain medications since there wasn’t anymore they could do.  Is that what is done with “hopeless” cases these days?  I often wonder.  First it was Loritabs, then OxyContin, then Morphine.  

It was kind of nice at first.  The darkness was quiet.  The chaos was gone.  She mostly slept a lot after getting home from work.  If she wasn’t sleeping then she was watching television.  She still spent time with us, but without the darkness, there also wasn’t any light.  

My interest in mental health began at this time.  I started picking up psychology books at yard sales and the library.  By the time I was 14, I owned the first three versions of the DSM.  I kept post it notes and highlights within them, trying to understand all of my environment.  I so desperately wanted to empathize with something that I also didn’t understand.  Where did my mother go?  Where did that version disappear?  How can I retrieve her?  I knew deep in my heart that she was somewhere in there.  Oh, how I missed her and yearned for that love again.  

I studied relentlessly.  I took AP classes in high school.  I achieved a full scholarship to a top state university.  I wanted to know.  I wanted to understand.  I wanted to help.  I wanted my mother.  

My life took a turn as my own self sabotage that comes with damage began to surface.  However, that yearning remained.  I didn’t stop.  I graduated high school and worked my way through my undergraduate as a single mother.  However, once I moved away from home, it was as if my mother said, “My work here is done.”  She applied for and received disability and no longer had to work.  

This was one of the worst possible things that happened to our family.  She no longer had any reason to be sober throughout the day and she dove head first into a prescription pain pill addiction that was unfathomable to me at the time.  I lost my mother for several years.  Her body was alive, but her soul was dead.  Completely dead.  Her light had gone out. 

My desperation grew as I was still struggling to manage my own adult life.  I graduated early with my undergraduate degree in social work.  I took more classes than I was advised, and still graduated as top of my class.  I worked through my graduate degree in a year, while attending school in another state, and working full time.  

By the time I graduated, I couldn’t allow my mother around my child anymore.  She couldn’t even remain standing or speak legibly.  I hadn’t seen her sober in years.  She was constantly having wrecks and truly should have had her license revoked.  

I finally said, “No more.”  I gave up hope.  The light was completely gone, and I had the capacity to stop her darkness from being entangled with my son.  I was ready to let her go.  I was ready to say goodbye and not see her again.

It was one of the most difficult moments of my life.  I had hosted the family holidays for many years at that point, since she wasn’t functional.  I called her Christmas Eve morning before our dinner.  I had spent all morning prepping for our meal, and I finally said to myself, “I don’t want her here.  I cannot love someone who is already dead.”

So I called her, and I asked her not to come.  She asked me why.  I told her all of this.  I told her I wanted my mother and I cannot have her.  I told her that I accept that and I love her.  I told her that my love for her will never go out.  I told her that she lit a fire deep within me as a child, and it still burns for that version of her so many of us have forgotten.  

I cried so hard that I actually water logged my iPhone.  My husband went and got me a new one while I told my mother goodbye on his phone.  I told her that I was there for her as long as the drugs were gone.  I told her I would never give up on her.  

She came that evening, with all of her prescription pills.  We flushed them down my toilet as she cried.  For the first time in years, though, I saw a flicker of light.  She could stand up.  I could understand her speech.  I held her just as she used to hold me.  My husband also held her, and talked of overcoming his own drug addiction.  He told her straight to her face that it was the hardest battle and continues to be the hardest battle he fights every day.  

My brother wouldn’t hug her, but quietly told her he hoped she could do it.  He had tremendous animosity for our childhood.  He spent many of his years protecting me when he was also a child.  He hated her and wasn’t shy about it.  

My father also hated her.  He hated her weakness.  He hated her shell.  He hated her darkness.  He hated her existence.  And most of all, he hated their codependency, because all of those things were reflected back at him.  

I set her up with a substance abuse counselor.  I went the first couple of sessions.  I gave her my copy of Narcotics Anonymous.  And then I quit my job as a therapist.  I was exhausted.  I was burned out.  I promptly moved to another state with my family and began to focus on the solidarity between us.  My work with my family of origin was done.  All the remaining work rested solely upon their shoulders.  It was time for me to begin working on my own healing.

In the few short years that I moved away, my mother left my father.  This was a deep and hurtful wound.  My father was solidly present with us amidst our darkness.  I also empathized with her because their marriage clearly wasn’t healthy at that point.  He wasn’t in a place of forgiveness after the years of torment and she needed love in her life.  

Deep down I wondered if I sabotaged my family.  I still maintained my distance and boundaries, holding nothing but good will and peace for everyone.  

I watched at a safe distance as everything fell to shambles.  Implosion would be a kind word, however, my mother managed to maintain her sobriety.  She was cut off from everything she had known, so she rebuilt from the ground up.  

It was slow.  It was heart breaking.  It was painful.  It was beautiful.  She stepped into her personal power over and over again.  She started voicing her needs and distancing herself from negativity.  She began embracing the love that came her way.  She set firm boundaries that spoke of her personal value. 

This weekend, for the first time in many years, I attended a dinner party that she successfully hosted.  Her home is small and modest, but one she pays for on her own and is filled with things she loves.    

She used to have a habit of hosting dinner parties and then getting so stoned that she couldn’t cook.  Since I was a teenager, I would cook large meals for people just to help cover up her addiction.  She wasn’t present enough to acknowledge the work I did.  I would sit quietly as everyone bragged on her meal and try to release the anger that welled up inside of me.  She would often scream and cry in absolute depression about how overwhelmed she was as I cooked a meal that I never desired in the first place.

My mother made the entire meal and invited my family.  It was a meal to honor her own mother who turned 86.  It was the first time her mother agreed to come to her new home.  Her mother also happened to invite her sister, who was 88.  My mother’s brothers came with their wives and their adult children.  Their adult children brought their children.  My brother and his wife also came.  My mother’s 2 bedroom home was so overflowing with people that we were spilling out onto the deck and into the yard.

Her brothers and family tried to throw negativity at her but it just rolled off of her beautiful coat of gratitude.  She radiated love and happiness, crying tears of joy.  All evening, all she could do was express how thankful and blessed she was.  

For the first time since my early childhood, I saw my mother’s light shine so brightly that no negativity could burden her.  She had created the strength and power to repel it.  

For the first time since my early childhood, I experienced the mother I once knew.  My brother smiled and hugged her.  She played with my son with a deeply satisfied grin.  She was pleased as everyone bragged on her meal with smiles.  

And I finally saw my first and deepest childhood desire come to fruition at age 30.  

Parenting is the most difficult thing I have ever encountered.  It is life changing to look at the mirror of your children.  I am grateful to have a mother who can model strength, determination, and love that can come out of even the darkest of places.  I have never had a deeper appreciation for her than I did Sunday evening because I know that all of this work was done for herself, her children, and for my children.  

I love her for it.  

How to Parent Your Children Differently in a Culture That Says Difference is Unacceptable

My name is Chelsi Williamson, and I parent my children differently.  

I think that my culture of parenting is similar in some European and Asian cultures, but definitely not in American culture.  I love looking at parenting culture in Denmark, Finland, Norway, and Japan.  I think we would be right at home in these countries. 

With a new bean growing and forming in my womb, these things are at the forefront of my mind.  I have no doubt that this child was conceived in some delicate universal balance, as I feel most children come to fruition from some cosmic space – call it God or what name you are most comfortable with.  

Let’s just be real here, America is in a huge flux, and, well, our culture could use a bit of improvement in my opinion.  I am no expert, but I do have a lot of knowledge and good access to my intuition and faith.  Some restructuring of priorities could be very beneficial, I believe. 

I have some fear about birthing a baby into a country whose future is so unknown, and potentially poised for a profound shift, either good or bad. I cannot say.  

All I can control, though, is my environment, my thoughts, and the peace and love that I continue to try to embody in this world.  I keep seeking like minded families and resources that I can study.  I listen whole heartedly to what speaks to me. 

Today I had my first EMDR session.  If you aren’t familiar with EMDR, it stands for “Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing.”  It is a type of therapy used to treat post traumatic stress disorder in order to lessen unwarranted physiological responses to stressors.  It is similar in nature to a type of meditation or hypnotherapy which accesses your subconscious trauma in order to reprogram it.

In essence, it assists your brain in releasing trauma from your body.  

It was immensely uncomfortable for me.  I love talking to others about their souls, hopes, prayers, etc., but when it comes to me, I am pretty off limits.  That is why I started this blog.  Vulnerability for myself is extraordinarily difficult.  With as much insight as I have into others, I know that I would have to willingly give of myself, and that will likely not be appreciated as fully as I feel I deserve.  That is what it is to be human today, I believe. But in that, you find the rare gems that see your true beauty for what it is.  I love and appreciate these people in a way that words cannot describe. 

I have learned to talk lightly about my past in a factual, unemotional sense.  I have made the intuitive connections between my past and my current behavior.  I have gone to school for therapy (master of social work), and while working I did lots of trauma focused training.  I have even seen countless therapists over the years, who congratulated me on my ability to link all of the pieces between my past and my present. 

And, yet, the physiological response still occurs.  I have never talked deeply or emotionally about my childhood trauma, until today.  No one has ever asked me pointed, meaningful, digging questions, until today.  

I still struggle to cry in front of others.  I haven’t cried in front of a therapist since my supervisor when I actually WAS a therapist.  I sobbed in every supervision meeting.  Ugly crying.  Hyperventilating wails.  Luckily, this isn’t uncommon for us bunch and she just held space for me.  

I didn’t cry once in my session.  My heart raced and I had a terrible headache the entire time, but I got to my car, turned the ignition, and just started sobbing.  I drove down historical Music Row, blubbering everywhere.  

This is hard.  This journey I have stepped on.  This is stuff I have come to terms with logically, but not physically or spiritually.  It is hitting me at my core.  Deep, deep inside of me in places I have never let anyone in.  Never.  

I am trying to feel safe in the world.  Not just for me, but for my family.  For my husband and for my children.  I want them to know that they are also safe, despite what is reflected in our outer culture.  I want them to know that we are surrounded in love and light because we are in touch with ourselves.

And to impart this message, I have to do this work myself. 

My anxiety is through the roof.  Our finances are tighter than they have been in a very long time.  It seems like unexpected bills are rolling in every day, including my tiny bean growing in my womb.  I am struggling to tap into that feeling of safety and security right now, but I am desperately seeking it.  I am constantly prayerful and hopeful for continued miracles.  My heart, at least, isn’t failing me and is trusting the process like a boss.  

I am researching all of the alternative modes of parenting a newborn, particularly Waldorf focused and based in soul unfoldment.  Both of my children are highly sensitive (The Highly Sensitive Child is a great resource), so being conscious of that reality from birth onward will be interesting.  My Pinterest board is already filled with “strange” baby rearing items.  I’m quite pleased with myself.

  
In the meantime, though, I am curled up in bed, reading “Your Reincarnating Child: Welcoming a Soul to the World,” and truly contemplating the complexities of consciousness.  

Finding Gratitude in Daily Toddler Life

I am hiding under my covers right now.  Not from anything in particular.  I just like the solitude, quiet, and dark that it affords me. 

I don’t get much of that parenting a 3 year old.  

On our morning hike, we met an elderly couple at the frog pond. 

Leif barged in like he owned the place, and they were his best friends.  I love it.  It’s a trait I would like to have.  Gregariousness.  Courageousness.  Confidence.  God, his lack of taintedness from the world is beautiful.  He is pure and beautiful and fiery.  

And this is precisely what we talked about,  for 40 minutes.  For 40 minutes, I discussed this with a couple in their 70s.  We talked a lot about spirituality and how young children embody the beauty and rawness of God.

I need more people like this in my life.  I constantly feel surrounded by inescapable negativity.  I want people who hold space for me and open their hearts as well.  I haven’t been exposed to that outside of my home in awhile and I miss it.  It is absolutely the most nourishing experience in my life.  

I take my son on daily hikes.  We often cover up to 4 miles by lunch time.  This is my best behavior management tool.  It is also my biggest motivator for staying fit and eating well.  I have someone whose energy is incomprehensible leading me through life right now.

I tell my husband that I work hard labor and I’ve earned the right to pass out by 9:00PM.  He doesn’t question me anymore after spending 5 weeks taking care of Leif on his own.  In fact, he brings me tea and often talks with me until I slowly trail off to dreamland.  

I get frustrated with Leif every day, but I turn it to gratitude.  I am grateful to be with him.  I am grateful to keep him untainted and pure.  It is a lot of work to walk with and unfold a soul, but it is the work I was meant for.  My goal is to give him the best possible foundation that I can erect in strength of mind, body, spirit.  It benefits me endlessly as well. It forces me to grow in ways that I never imagined. 

My work is to find my patience.  Leif is my greatest teacher yet.  Patience, perseverance, joy, love.  I thank my family for this gift.  

I Am Safe and Rooted Because I Am Loved By God and Grounded in Life

I am safe and rooted because I am loved by God and grounded in life.

This was my affirmation.  

My spiritual friends and mentors kept telling me to work on grounding – that I’m not grounded.  

“What does that even MEAN?” I kept asking.  I never really got a good answer out of them and I just felt more and more frustrated.  I wanted to know why I wasn’t “grounded.”  This was my daily prayer. The funny thing about prayers and affirmations is that they often come true.  

It was like shaking a 2 liter bottle of soda vigorously.  I was shaking my soul, telling it I wanted this.  I have a lot of energy, so I was shaking it HARD.  

I kept trying to let the pressure off.  “Psssssssssst.”  It would fizz, and some would leak out, so I would tighten the cap and wait for a moment.  Then I would try again.  I had small energy releases.  Tears, yelling, more running, more lovemaking, more soul vibrating.  

True to who I am, though, I said “eh, what’s the worst that could happen?”  And I took the cap off to my soul anyway.  

My soul soda went EVERYWHERE.  It’s on the cabinets, counters, floor, me, and just about every person in my metaphorical “soul” house.  My soul exploded.  Quite literally, I think.  And I’m standing here in the aftermath saying “oh, shit.”  

What else can I do, but pull out the mop and sponges and start diligently cleaning up?  It is a mess.  A huge mess.  This forum is me opening the broom closet to my soul.  I’m cleaning up the mess of my soul explosion.  

How do I even begin to explain where I am?  I am sitting in a chair at Starbucks.  I’m waiting until my hair appointment.  I have court in a week, and if there is one thing I’m good at, it is looking beautiful.  I’ll stick with what I know I can do well when life is confusing.  

I have two suitcases in my car that I’m living out of.  I’m sleeping wherever I can find a roof, bed, and shower. I have three grocery bags of fruits and vegetables in the passenger seat of my car.  My life is a flurry of driving, crying, and surviving.  

I asked for it, though.  I asked for this and it came to me with the same force as getting hit by a truck.  

“I am safe.”  This was the kicker.  I AM safe.

I have a good husband.  I have lots of family and friends.  I have, through my husband, financial security.  I have two degrees.  I’m heavily employable and able bodied.  There is nothing keeping me from being safe, right?

That’s what was so confusing about my spiritual friends telling me I needed to work on grounding.  I mean, I have the life people DREAM of, and I KNOW it.  

Why do I not feel safe and grounded?  Why didn’t I have that feeling?  What else could I possibly need or want?  I have it all.  I know I do.  What was missing? 

Trauma.  

I have worked through the logical, therapeutic basis of my trauma history.  That was one of the reasons why I chose the educational path that I did.  I have worked through the body aspects of trauma, in how our thought processes are reflected in our body.  

If you don’t think trauma gets trapped in our cells, I’m here to tell you that it does and this experience proves it to me.  I started this journey to release all the negative in my life to help my soul unfold.  That includes releasing the trauma trapped in my soul.  The trauma that I didn’t even know was there, that I thought I had already dealt with.  

I hadn’t.  Not by a long shot.  

My parents were physically and emotionally abusive.  I’ve come to terms with it as we are all doing the best we can.  I have no doubt that they love me with all that they have.  They speak with me openly about it now anytime I come to them.  I’m blessed to have this experience and it does help release that pressure build up.  

That’s part of what brought me here, but not the most significant piece because I can talk with them.  That is very healing for me.  

What has hidden dormant within me, is the physical and emotional abuse I experienced with my ex-husband.  I have forgiven him and myself.  My son even lives with him and I feel like I have a pretty good relationship with his wife.  I trust that they both care deeply for my son and have his best interests at heart.  

I never healed the trauma, though, and it was very traumatizing to me.  I had therapy.  I had years of therapy.  I went to school to become a therapist, but that trauma remained in my cells.  I hadn’t released it from my body.  It existed in the deep recesses of my mind.  

I met my current husband 18 months after I resolved to leave my ex-husband, but that alone was a traumatic experience.  It was very difficult to break free from my ex and neither of us behaved well.  We were both children.  I was just 19 and he was 22.  

I had no intention of falling in love with my current husband.  I was up front about this even.  I knew I had a lot of healing left to do.  

But, God, how could I NOT fall in love with him?  He was so handsome.  He was a phenomenal lover.  When I laid in bed next to him, I felt safe and happy.  But I was dependent on him for that sense of security and safety, which creates co-dependency.  In that co-dependency, there is a lack of personal and emotional safety.  

My ex-husband gave me a severe concussion.  That was the moment that decided it was time to leave.  There were lots of things before that.  The whole thing was incredibly unhealthy.  We were both far too damaged to really be able to exist together in a healthy way.  

Don’t get me wrong.  It takes two in any situation like this, and sometimes walking away is the greatest thing you can do.  I have no doubt, this was what was best for everyone.  

But still I have the trauma.  It is deep in there. I exist well most of the time.  I don’t really feel like it comes up often, if ever. 

I went on Prozac after the trauma.  I’ve stayed on it pretty much since.  I’ve tried to go off of it as I’ve done work, only to pretty immediately go back on it.  I would open the cap and some of the soul soda would start pouring out.  I would tighten it back up, and go back on the medication.

Leif, my youngest, has severe food allergies.  My holistic health self postulated that it was likely caused by being on Prozac throughout my pregnancy, but who knows.  I don’t take birth control and simply follow my cycles, and should I be blessed with an unexpected pregnancy, I wanted my system clear of the medication.  

I didn’t know the trauma was still there.  I have been trying to go off of Prozac since this summer.  I have been trying to manage through diet, exercise, meditation, etc.  I kept going back on it when the soul soda started fizzing out and making a huge mess.  In February, though, I told myself I didn’t need it and I wasn’t going to go back on it.  I could do this without it.  

But I didn’t feel safe and I couldn’t.  I had unresolved trauma.  From February to April our marital arguments escalated.  We have been married 6 years and lived together prior to that.  We have been blessed with a pretty great marriage the majority of the time, until our traumas overlapped, which is bound to happen from time to time.  The worst that has happened was the last time I went off of Prozac, I threw and busted a mason jar in our driveway.  Which in the grand scheme of bad arguments, that isn’t all that bad, and it only happened once.  I went back on the Prozac.  

In April, almost a month ago, I opened the cap to my soul soda, though.  I’ve been plenty angry at him before.  I’ve wanted to hit him.  I’ve wanted to run away and never come back.  I’ve wanted him to just disappear so I wouldn’t have to deal with it anymore.  I’ve wanted these things, but only momentarily, because I knew that above all else, I wanted him.  I wanted us.  I wanted our family.  So any of these things would dissipate almost as quickly as they came and nothing terrible or insurmountable ever occurred.  

Until now.  I have been going over this and over this and over this.  I have been trying to make sense of it.  It is so entirely out of character for me, for us, for our family.  It feels almost surreal.  Even typing it out, I’m shocked.  Saying it aloud feels like I’m talking about someone else.  And, in reality, I am.  I am talking about myself who has stepped outside of her rational brain and into her “old brain.”

It wasn’t until 3 therapy appointments, 1 psychiatric appointment, and 1 doctor appointment later that I was able to piece this together.

My ex-husband was holding my wrists, inches from my face, screaming “JUST LISTEN TO ME” before I was thrown down onto the concrete of the driveway.  

I’m not a big person.  I’m about 5’3” and 135 lbs and I was about the same size then as I am now.  It doesn’t take a lot of force to do a lot of damage.  I was knocked out, and I only remember bits and pieces of the aftermath still.  

When my current husband said this same sentence to me, my fight or flight was activated and my safety center was ripped out from under me.  My prefrontal lobe completely shut down and nothing but fear flooded my entire body.  

I slapped him.  Hard.  And then I ran away.  I ran to my car and drove off.  I headed for Kentucky, my childhood home.  He called the police.  I spent the night in jail.  

The bad thing is that this fight or flight just flooded me and I took no time to evaluate or heal.  This was right before our vacation to Boulder that we had planned.  Just 2 days before.  He wanted to go.  He said it would be healing.  I wasn’t convinced, but I trusted him.  

I made the mistake of not immediately going back on my medication or bringing it with me.  

So, there we were in beautiful Boulder, CO trying to come to grips with an awful situation.  We had a highly sensitive 3 year old that wasn’t adjusting well to his first vacation.  We were in a house with a weird energy, and then there was a snowstorm which would block any escape route I have because I’m a southern girl and a lot of snow just adds to my fear.  I was miserable.

I tried to keep my calm by reading and meditating, but it was awful.  I felt trapped, powerless, unsafe, and like I couldn’t escape.  My fear built and built with each additional negative interaction.  I kept asking to fly home early, and he tried to oblige.  There were no flights because of the snow.  

And I lost it.  My fear was so massive that it just overflowed.  My soul soda finally escaped and spewed everywhere.  Everywhere.  

I pushed him.  I shoved him.  My sweet baby saw it and shrieked.  I still can hear his cries.  It pierced my consciousness.  My poor husband grabbed him and went into the other room and shut the door.  

But I was lost.  Everything had shut down.  I was screaming.  I was raging.  I was trying to be as big and scary as I could be.  I’m small, but I can be fierce.  I wanted to be as threatening as I could possibly be, so everyone in the vicinity would know not to mess with me.  I threw things.  I pounded the walls.  

But all I could see and feel was the feeling of my wrists and body being held.  All I could see and feel was the complete level of helplessness I felt.  Everything within me was screaming “I AM NOT SAFE.”  Even though I was.  I was safe.  

Our brains are funny.  They do weird things to us.  We often block ourselves from the best possible outcome.  I was resisting my safety that I already had because of the unresolved trauma.  

He called the police again.  I went to jail for quite awhile longer this time around.  And, well, Colorado took this a bit more seriously than Tennessee.  Their laws require no contact with the spouse or child.  I haven’t spoken to either of them in over two weeks.  

All I can do is take a deep breath and pull out the mop to try and clean up the soul soda.  It is a huge mess to clean up.  

I’m grateful all the same.  I’m lucky to be able to see the mess I created and how it got that way.  I’m grateful that I’ve not had to go hungry or sleep in my car.  I’m grateful I’ve had nothing but love and support from so many people, even though I only told pieces as I’ve tried to figure this out.  

But here is the whole truth.  Exactly as it is.  This is exactly where I am in this moment.  I am sitting in Starbucks with my life in my car waiting for a haircut and not real certain where I will be sleeping tonight.  

But I have the broom closet open.  I’m pulling out the mop and the sponges.  I am working on cleaning up the mess. It is a very big mess that has left a sticky soul soda residue on many, many people.  

Good Friday for Spiritual People, Religious and Non-Religious

Today is Good Friday, the day in which we are to remember that Jesus died on the cross for our sins.  I do not identify as Christian in the traditional sense, but I still hold this day in reverence through spiritual fasting, prayer, and abstinence.  

I was raised in the anabaptist tradition.  I married a Catholic.  I divorced and married a Buddhist in an Episcopalian ceremony.  I now attend a Unitarian church, I celebrate the turning of the seasons, but only really identify myself as “spiritual.”

When I explained this to my dad, his response was, “Like Oprah?”  After I thought about it for a little while, I said “Yes, like Oprah.”  I don’t know if our current culture reveres her as a spiritual leader, but for some, I would imagine that she is.  I have no qualms with what she has shared over the years, so, yes, something like Oprah feels like a very good description.  

All in all, though, I still have immense respect and gratitude for the teachings of Jesus.  There is no doubt that this man existed and created a huge cultural shift for positive change on a global scale.  How can you not respect a life lived in that way?  I was raised Christian, so I will always hold Christian teachings very near and dear to my heart.  

I don’t doubt that God, or Universal energy, exists.  Those that are open to it know and feel that there is so much more than what we register in our human brain.  Many scientists, physicists and psychologists in particular, believe we can unlock certain parts of our brain to live on an entirely different realm of consciousness.  I hope to delve into some of these theories as my understanding grows and matures.  

Unfortunately, the human ego put a lot of constraints on the spiritual teachings of all the masters to try and reign in what they couldn’t comprehend, often to their own benefit.  This is why I won’t identify myself with one particular religion.  The human ego has destroyed the spirituality aspect of religion for me.  

Spirituality is not something that “makes sense.”  It is not a 1-2-3 step process.  We each have our own path, but there really is only one singular rule.  You get what you give.  Across the board, this is the rule that cannot be disproven.  Everyone just has a different way of stating it.  

The human ego holds each of us back from so much more of what could be.  I see it every day.  If I choose to be explicitly honest, I have been guilty of falling into my ego, but with deliberate consciousness, its influence over me has lessened over the years.  I’m not fully free yet, but that is my goal.  

As is always the case of being human, some days are better than others.  

As a social worker and a former therapist I examine this phenomenon closely.  When I delve into the idea of treating my body as a temple, the disconnection from my ego continues.  When I delve into spirit, I am fully set free.  I observe this intricate dance in my fellow man, often willing them to join me outside of that influence.  Sometimes they fail.  Sometimes I fail.  Every day, though, we begin this dance anew, and each stride in the right direction brings us closer to our maximum potential.  

This is the gift that Jesus gave us and why we should hold this day in reverence.  Jesus transcended his human ego, and despite the immense suffering that his fellow man put him through, he loved them anyway.  He loved all of humanity until his death.  Who am I to say that his love ended there?  According to Christian teachings, his love is infinite, spanning across all of space and time.

Even if you aren’t Christian, you cannot deny that this is how we should all exist in our lives.  We should love everyone, despite the suffering that exists, including our own.  When you are wrapped up in your own suffering, you are also wrapped up in the web of your own ego. 

And so, today and tomorrow, I will practice spiritual fasting, prayer, and abstinence as a showing of gratitude to Jesus and his teachings.  On Easter Sunday, I shall celebrate his life and message with my family.  If there is anyone in this world that I strive to emulate, Jesus is definitely a top choice.  

  

The Three New Food Groups

Alas, the time has come to really work through the recipes of Nourishing Traditions. I have sat down to write this on numerous occasions now, quoting enormous passages from the book along with the research excerpts. It was just too much. If you are like me and constantly question everything, you will just have to wade through it yourself. This is Nourishing Traditions light, so I am going to just skim over the research and leave it at a minimum. I don’t want to. I want to shout it from the rooftops, but I am only capable of making small ripples that radiate this traditional wisdom outward. My hope is that it will inspire each of you to further your own independent research.

To start, throw away all of your preconceived notions about nutrition. They aren’t correct and there is a good chance that your body isn’t functioning at optimal level because of it. I know because I was there.  I ate “right,” “whole,” and “healthy” for years.  I tried on a multitude of diets: vegetarian, vegan, low fat, low carb, etc.  I followed all of the conventional wisdom down to measuring portions according to the USDA version of the food pyramid.

Where did that get me?  Fat and sick.  The biggest misnomer? The need for exorbitant amounts of grains while limiting fat consumption. My family and I have eaten very minimal to no grains for almost a year now and have suffered much less for it. As long as we consume adequate amounts of fat we don’t miss it either. Our overall behavior and energy levels have improved as well. Gut and Psychology Syndrome actually recommends refraining from all grains for at least two years. Since we healed fairly rapidly, we occasionally eat sprouted or fermented grains with lots of fats. Sourdough and cultured butter, anyone?

So what SHOULD you be eating? The book actually breaks foods into three categories: Nourishing Traditional Foods, Compromise Foods, and Newfangled Foods. I always feel ignorant using the word “newfangled,” so I am going to just call them what they are – processed foods. Our current idea of “food” in America is a far cry from what was considered food only 100 years ago. Here is the rundown:

Nourishing Traditional Foods

Proteins:

• Pastured meats (beef, lamb, game, chicken, turkey, and duck) – Don’t forget the organs!
• Seafood
• Eggs from pastured poultry – duck eggs are our personal favorite
• Organic fermented soy products in moderation

Fats:

• Butter and cream from pastured cows – preferably raw and cultured
• Lard and tallow (goose and duck fat are popular options in Europe, but I’ve struggled to come across viable options in Nashville, TN)
• Extra virgin olive oil
• Unrefined flax seed oil in moderation
• Coconut Oil Palm Oil

Dairy:

• Raw, whole milk and cultured dairy products (yogurt, piima, kefir, cheese) from traditional pastured cow and goat breeds (Jersey cows and Nubian goats is what our Mennonite farmer raises).

Carbohydrates:

• Fermented and sprouted organic whole grain (sourdough bread or Ezekial bread)
• Soaked and fermented legumes (lentils, beans, and chickpeas)
• Sprouted or soaked seeds and nuts
• Fresh fruits and vegetables (raw and cooked)
• Fermented vegetables (Love me some sauerkraut! I just made a new batch this afternoon since I’m almost out of kimchi).

Beverages:

• Filtered, high-mineral water
• Lacto-fermented drinks made from grain or fruit
• Meat stocks and broths (My 2 year old loves chicken broth!)

Condiments:

• Unrefined sea salt
• Raw vinegar – we like Bragg’s Apple Cider Vinegar
• Fresh herbs
• Fermented soy and fish sauce

Compromise Foods (Eat in moderation or not at all)

Protein:

• Pork
• Fish from shallow waters – I love salmon and trout. We probably eat it too frequently, averaging about once per week.
• Commercially raised meat
• Barbecued or smoked meat
• Traditionally made, additive free sausage
• Additive free bacon
• Battery eggs
• Tofu in moderation

Fats:

• Unrefined peanut and sesame oils

Dairy:

• Pasteurized, cultured milk products
• Pasteurized cheese

Carbohydrates:

• Whole grain breads and pasta
• Unbleached white flour
• Canned legumes
• Imported fruits and vegetables
• Canned tomato products
• Cooked seaweed
• Natural sweeteners (honey, maple syrup, rapadura, date sugar) – We do consume honey, but only honey. It is better digested by the body. We also only use it in moderate amounts.

Beverages:

• Wine
• Unpasteurized beer
• Diluted fruit juice
• Herb teas

Condiments:

• Commercial salt
• Pasteurized vinegar
• Canned condiments without MSG

Processed Foods (AVOID!!!!!)

Protein:

• Processed meat (lunch meat, salami, bacon)
• Soy milk
• Foods with difficult pronunciations (hydrolyzed protein and protein isolates)

Fats:

• Processed vegetable oils
• Margarine
• Tub spreads
• Vegetable shortening
• Low fat foods

Dairy:

• Pasteurized, homogenized commercial milk
• Ultra pasteurized cream and milk
• Processed cheese
• Reduced fat dairy

Carbohydrates:

• Bleached and fortified flour
• Dry cereal
• Granola
• Refined sugar
• GMO anything
• Canned products
• Chocolate (It IS possible to live without chocolate, I swear)

Beverages:

• Soda
• Distilled or pasteurized alcohol
• Fruit juice
• Commercial rice and oat milk
• Coffee, tea, and cocoa (I still drink coffee and tea every day. I’m just not there yet).

Condiments:

• Baking powder
• MSG
• Artificial anything
• Chemically produced food preservatives
• Aspartame